folded newspaper

Newsflash

Sockpuppet news sources have revealed to us that unnamed hobbit dissidents have sullied the good name of this publication torched the Hobbiton news office.

Worried news!hobbits say that they "don't know what to expect next. Perhaps some apples, pie, cake, sandwiches and tea."


In other Middle Earth news:

In unrelated news, local scientists have discovered increased italics and angst radicals in the atmosphere.


- news!Melkor-taking-a-break-from-teaching-evil-to-the popethe-Sith
Insane

Return of the Intrepid Evil News-Valar

You know, in between taunting small helpless hobbits and stealing chocolate-covered lembas from elven children, I like to make the occasional news post.

So here's a short one to tide you over till...whenever anyone decided to do anything more.


Fabulously dashing and handsome, not to mention intelligent, sexy and virile doer of evil returns. What? Do you expect me to say something else?

Fat hobbit does housework When did they come back? Oh. Then. ::adds hobbits to the promotional mailing list:: You can't say that I'm not aware of every little going on. Not at all.

Any post from this Took that mentions hobbits with feline names often needs to be videotaped and added to the collection. This however is lacking in hot steamy hobbit love but not in hot steamy hobbit tea.

Arathorn + pink feathers = exotic dancer in his spare time? We shall never know.

Some one notices that hobbits all look the same. It's about time too.

Bingo gets reacquainted with other hobbits. and clearly doesn't know who's left. If I could tolerate having furry feet then some fun might be had. Sadly... my feet are too pretty to be furry.

I wonder if I could get the watcher to star in a documentary There's always a need for more tentacles.

Iorhael goes to visit Bingo. But not before copious hobbit angst.

Ominous plotting is just what I like to see Now if only there was more scantily clad little middle-earthers. Hmm

Adrahil tries to make his presence know. Someone should tell the old codger to give up the spandex. No one ever wants that much information on a daily basis.

The plump hobbit wonders after the one with the eyes and his kids. Be on the lookout for Gamgee Spawn Angst folks.

Someone's planning to take power in Rohan. Who's King there at the moment? I can never remember.

More stirrings from the leviathan. Harassment of hobbits is always amusing.

Someone I've not yet been introduced to arrives. Also... not yet seen naked.

The leviathan thinks.

Fenwick? Who names their kid after a department store? To make up for it there's nakedness. Fuzzy-looking videos of the event are available from all good Long & Arda outlets.

Another arrival.

Gorlim isn't happy. Now there's a surprise.

A mouse and a pregnant amnesiac walk into a bar. I don't rememeber how the rest of it goes.

Adamanta and her adventures with tentacles. Coming to a cinema near you. Almost as good as WOHS.

Ray and his mun. I'm calling him Ray. It'll be his pornmovie star name.

Fenny and Gorlim. And with Norolinde wandering around there is the great potential for angst. Time to find a comfy chair angst-watchers.

The lovely Hanild updates. And cavorting with Wulf. Interesting.

Dead kid in a panic. Gorlim's family seem to be allergic to living.

Ray spends quality time with horses. It's almost like he's a Rohirrim.

A mouse and a dead kid walk into a bar. It goes much like the one with the pregnant amnesiac. Terribly angsty.

Gorlim + Emotional Pain = OTP. It's true.


So that's it.

This is your devilishly handsome evil news!Melkie signing off.
Insane

(no subject)

Firiel got somewhere. Anybody want to fill me in? I wasn’t paying attention.

Felaróf is feeling OLD and goes into a STALL instead of the THRONE ROOM. People, this is symbolism. Watch out for this.

Frodo’s off to Nobottle to blow something up. Thank you, Frodo, for writing that headline for me.

Norolinde gets indigestion. Except her name’s really Naike now, and the friendslist doesn’t go back far enough for me to explain that, so I won’t.

Gorlim wonders where everyone is. Well, ever since he was a My Little Pony, it’s never been the same . . .

A pretty little thing named Aerin gets out of Mandos. She’ll soon learn her eyeshadow won’t be enough to win our hearts. Donations are.

Menelsûl is worried about Felaróf. Might I direct your attention to this? Because this is setting something up, I swear.

Hanild and Wulf play with the baby in Mandos. This kid might grow up and think this kind of thing is normal or something.

Eomer and Luthien act like a cute married couple. Now this is wrong.

Felaróf passes. We’ll write the obituary later.

Aerin and Gorlim meet up. They speak the same language. Literally. I see where this is going.

Isengar does something non-PG. Oh, my eyes! But he didn’t write it out, so . . . It’s a paradox.

The koala blows something up. I didn’t stick around to see what it was.

And just in case you missed it the first time, the koala blows up more stuff. Patriotic little devil. I salute you.

Artamir lets Rogue play with his hair. Next thing you know she’ll be shoplifting.

Isengar investigates something in the corner. I was scared. I didn’t look. GO TO THE RIGHT, ISENGAR!

Dred runs away. Because the loves of Gorlim’s life don’t do that often or anything.

Hani finds out Wulf’s memory’s been wiped. Did I miss a post somewhere? Probably.

Menelsûl angsts by running around. He ought to bottle that up and sell it. Didn’t even use italics.

Theo and Artamir get hitched. WAIT A SECOND. Last time I looked it was him and Hani! I am so never leaving MESPT for a second again.

Gorlim and Aerin go off to find Dred. Told you I knew where this was going. Off to find Dred, that’s where.

Isengar looks for Tiger. One of these days I’ll read the comments to these things. I have a sneaking suspicion stuff goes on there.

Firi wants to have lunch with daddy. Should’ve thought about that before he had lunch with us, shouldn’t you. The check’s in the mail.

Araphant tortures Artamir with a spangly belt. You got pictures?

The koala runs into the forest! Quickly, someone catch him! Maybe he knows where those pictures are!

And finally, Naike can see the baby through her dress. Maybe you ought to stop buying from the kiddie department.

This is your intrepid, brand-new reporter, signing off. Will reveal identity for donations.
folded newspaper

(no subject)

Study: Muns Deny All Knowledge of MESPT



"I usually pretend I'm reading CNN," anonymous mun claims



By Zlot Brokaw

ARDA-- A new study conducted by the Ethring Institute suggests that MESPT muns often lie to their families, coworkers and friends where roleplaying is concerned. A whopping 87% of muns have been known to quickly minimize windows. 78% have told loved ones that they were just checking their email. Surprisingly, 52% have actually been known to say, "God, roleplaying. How geeky."

We contacted a former mun who used to work for this very newspaper for comment. "Yeah, I lied about it. I still do," she said, a lit cigarette dangling from her pouty lips. "What am I supposed to say? That I used to spend my time pretending to be an elf? It's easier to claim that I never left the house during that time period because I was 'depressed' or something."

"Once," our anonymous mun continued, "I had plans to hang out with some friends. Unfortunately, my puppet was getting married that night. So I cancelled. What did I tell them?" She scrunched up her nose with intense thought. "Oh. I told them I had Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever."

So why lie? Most of those surveyed cite the shame. One respondent scrawled in the margin, "HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU'RE A GAMGEE CHILD ON THE INTERNET? HAVE YOU?"

As of our deadline, MESPT has only resulted in three divorces.




In Other News:

What? Gorlim's dead? Nobody tells me anything.
folded newspaper

(no subject)

Ladies, gents. It's 5:15 pm and do you know where your puppets are?

That's right, my basement. So cough up the money.

We here at Sockpuppets pride ourselves on our up to the minute, accurate, on time and consistent reporting. We also pride ourselves on that great lsd and creamer stuff we invented for our coffee so you may be noticing a connection by this point.

Our intrepid reporters have stopped staring at 'all the pretty colours' for now and have decided to give you a full-length, indepth news report. But the list didn't go past 'skip 50' so that's all you're getting. It isn't like you pay us.

Our beloved newsthingie turned 18 last saturday and instead of giving her a nice post like she did the editor, we actually fed her! Go wish her a belated birthday.

Starting from oldest and working up.

Artamir weeps like a woman. Gorlim is a twat and Ondoher is cruel to Faramir, which while traditional for anything that bears that name really should be exempt in this case because omg, he's such a cutie.

Editor note: Suspect headliner Gaav may be a poofter. Will have to curtail in fear of mpreg.


Arvedui is not 'down' with the women rulers. Luthien, in a show of uncharacteristic self-restraint (THAT IS A SUBTLE HINT, WOMAN. ohgodwhywon'titheal) does not smite his ass to Ethring.

Look. A hobbit.. We here at Sockpuppets must confess that we have a hereditary illness where we can't read third person. This will be even more important later. We THINK there may be construction going on.

Hild is a strumpet. Also, she knows her son is dead but she's got a nice pair so let's focus on that instead.

Kevin's got groupies. Eru knows *I* want some of that troll for my ca---We here at Sockpuppets are just going to skip to the next headline.

Gorlim is back. All hope is lost. Make peace with your gods. PS: Ulmo's offering a discount on sacrifices this week. Twice the blessings for half the goat.

Italics and third person. AHaha. No.

Faramir is not allowed to go out and fight. GOOD. He can stay here, with us. We have candy, little boy...

Eomer's lost. You know, he's part woman. You'd think he'd just ask for directions...

Wulf doesn't want no horsefuckers. Oh, if only he were a blond and then he wouldn't be so low that we could bring ourselves to mock him.

Nadiyah gets wet and soapy with Halbarad, Theodred and Mithrovan, coming soon to Long and Arda Productions.

Two more and she wins a toaster.

Hanild apologizes. But no one *really* forgives her. They just say they do.

Theo visits Jade and Opal. Still dead.

Eomer is resurrected. Oh Joy and unfettered glee.

Does this look first person to you? I did not think so. Uh, Jade's in here too.

Arvedui holds a funeral for Theo. No causalities are as yet reported.

Say hi to Nabhan, kids.

In a series of wacky events, Seven becomes a midget.

Eomund is a fashion plate.

There's a lot of comments here and I bet if I wait there'll be a huge summary post from Bingo. He's so nice.

Third person *and* an elf. Dear god. Is there no decency in the world?

The Watcher in the Water is a breath-holding STUD. At least that’s what these ‘traditional’ art pieces from Rhun/Easterlingland say.

I wonder what a simbelmyne is.

random stuff.

It’s Sackville season.

Etchelion is Santa! Or that scary old man down the street who offers us candy. One of those.

Ungoliant has a hankering. A hankering for EVIL.

Silmo’s back and Tilion is still a miserable failure who shames his pantheon. Shames it.

Vanyon remembered his password. Er, we mean, gives an insightful post to his activities. Yes.

We think Aule did something wrong. Couch for you, sucka.

Iorlas has been sold to large, sweaty burly men. The promise of sex stirs him to freedom! Or perhaps the threat of sex. One never knows.

Uruviel is probably going to eat the baby.

You know the drill. Third person. But hey, I’ll be nice and tell you there’s a spider in it.

Slowly the intrepid reporter backed away from the notepad, realizing that only hellishness and metaphor could be found in this godforsaken post.

Make it end.

YOU HATE ME. I CAN TELL.

Theoden isn’t dead anymore. Joy and unfettered, glee. Something. The chase on Vanthene is called off which is okay since evil needs some downtime. Which is why our breaks are always so long. Really.

We here at Sockpuppets approve of Nabhan and his accidental use of the phrase ‘I is not here to fight’.

Next verse, same as the first.

Run, you fool. Celebel has the bad touch.

Jade asks what we are all asking. Except those of us who aren’t asking that.

I’ve run out of funny ways to go ‘oh look. third person’.

Rumil is sumptious. Or is he a dirty commie plot. Time will tell, my friend. Time will tell.

The midget has found her flock. Soon the migration will begin.

Hani tries to seduce Theo. The strumpet.

Theo has got no boobs. A sad day indeed for...someone. We here at Sockpuppets don’t know.

I’m gonna describe this one cause it’s short and there’s a baby. Firi is feeling the woe. The end.

Gamgee angst. Like a fine wine.

Neither of second nor fourth person born.

Hanild learns the dangers of mixing your rohirrim and your drugs. That or she’s making cheap excuses for her TIMELESS PASSION THAT WILL SCOUR THE AGES. or something like that. We’re reading off a romance novel that we found. Oooh. Scenes as if from a post concerning Firiel!

I think they’re mocking my stories.

The bitch is back.

Aww. Puppies. And uh, other stuff. LOOK FIRST PERSON.

There are no puppies here. Only death ;_;

Arvedui is a wussy man. You shame your line. Seppuku! And give us the shiny rock. For uh. safekeeping.

I told you he’d summarize. But did you listen to me? Nooooooo.

Give us the palantir. We can smell your spicy brains.

Apparently Iorlas can’t even get hookers.

Italicy-third person. What did I ever do to you? Your dog doesn’t count.

Pictures. Lots of...pictures. With pixels. And Arvedui making out with a horse.

TWO BABIES GO IN. ONE BABY GOES OUT.

We know where you live.

Damnit. The bitch line’s been used.

There is a promise not to think incestuous thoughts somewhere in here. Our interest is totally lost.

Us.

We’ll be eating hobbit and tuna tonight, boys.

Elves don’t get no respect. For a good reason.

Hobbit! It doesn’t look happy. Do they ever?

I shall now start calling Third Person ‘Bibi’ Look! Bibi’s posting. That seems so much nicer.

A man and his mongoose are soon parted. And then molested by a sister-in-law.

Gorlim’s still dead but no longer fraternizing with Bibi.

Hani’s feeling the woe. Also, the sun’s back.

Firi doesn’t really love ANYBODY.

Bibi brought biscuits.

The boobs are back. The editor is currently danging from a noose above our keyboard.

NO BABY. A cry we must all take up! Except for when we have really cute baby pictures. Such a thin line.

Her story is just laying about.

A cat ate Bibi.

Single Red Dragon seeks hobbithole. Inquire within.

Show us on the doll...

Firi shows her lack of love. His heart broken, Arvedui hands over the palantir, which would revolutionize the art of paparazzi stalking forever. Hint.

Araphant wants man-love.

Ilmare is forgetful, but shiny. Tilion is explodey.

Irmo’s bedhair is the sexiest of bedhairs.


-Editor-in-non-absentia.
Insane

(no subject)

NEW MUN MINION/LOVEBUNNY OF SAURON



Sockpuppets Editor: "And She Eats Kittens"





jenlittlebottom and her unholy snugglebunny Lord Sauron. MD



Denizens of mespt were shocked by the discovery of one Jen 'I come from something called a Tongue' T-something slipping in when the backdoor was accidentally left unlocked.

Accusations of Sockpuppets' esteemed and deeply sexy editor John begging her to take eomund are completely unfounded, Sockpuppets' says.

Shortly after her arrival, Felarof gave birth to a two headed snake. One can only assume this means that Jen 'My bottom is little' T-something is, in fact, a dirty minion of Sauron, as our tireless and hysterically giggling photoGaavs have provided us with sufficient evidence of.

We urge you to remain in your homes and stay calm. If you should see her approaching with a puppet in hand, you must immediately stone her to death.

EDITOR'S NOTE: 'Stone to death' means 'give lots and lots of cuddles'. So, Jen, you just approach everybody you see. Everyone else, ignore that and remember, donations mean you don't find out what we really did with Fluffy.
  • Current Music
    and to the minute
Obit

(no subject)

Obituary: Eomer Eomundsson Theodensson.



LEAVES AWARD WINNING PORN MOVIE AND THE SMELL OF CHICKEN IN THE AIR





deceased pictured with loving husband Denethor and their daughter Alcawyn



Warrior. Lover. Kindling.


Eomer passed from us on some date or another after a wraith killed him. Then a bunch of animals showed up and failed to fulfill their purpose in life and eat the body. So other people showed up! But did not take his body. Then Melkor made a porn movie with it.

Then his relatives asked nicely for it and set fire to it.


Our lives (and the gardens) were enriched by Eomer and his ashes. He was a man among men(who was sometimes a woman), who lived honourably(sometimes as a woman) and sometimes had innapropriate relations with horses(not as a woman).

He leaves about fifty bazillion kids, give or take.


Luthien was not availible for any comment we're willing to print in this fine family paper.



Also dead: Ulalume Gorlimsdottir.


She was just this girl, y'know?


Her passing has taught us a valuable lesson. Only dirty whores who will burn in the eternal fires of Mandos' coffee machine eat cookies.
Insane

Casting Call

Fantastic New Opportunity!


For all you aspiring actresses and actors, an exciting new role in the latest Long & Arda production has unexpectedly become available.
Long & Arda is looking for energetic new hopefuls to inject a burst of life into Eomer this thrilling new picture.
Hopefuls must be able to deal with hoards of animated blow-up Luthy dolls

Role available for a limited time only!

Insane

(no subject)

Call it ambition. Call it boredom. Call it only the last 150 posts. Call it me hoping our wonderful editor doesn't have my head for this. But whatever you call it, you bloody well better call it a freaking news post.

*AHEM*

Maedhros, one of about a billion new puppets, learns Kinslaying doesn't exactly shine the ladies on. Of course, he's not particularly interested in the ladies, but that's besides the point.

Amarië laments spending the night with Maedhros.

Carcharoth, former wolf servant of Morgoth, returns to Arda as a kitten. He is quickly snuggled, petted and claimed as pet by Hanild, once again proving that a pretty face and blond hair do not a genius make.

Hani visits Luthien, who had a baby recently by the way. Also, reveling in recent kitten-acquiring occurs.

Carcharoth, henceforth Charo, annoys Gorlim. A fun sport to be enjoyed by all.

Theodred, or Dred as he prefers, of the non drain-cleaner drinking variety, chats with Gorlim and meets his father. Plans to torture Eomer are discussed. With Gorlim, though we wouldn't put it past Theoden either.

Mithrhovan makes some suspicious deliveries.

Isengar tries to convince Smeagol to come home. Kitten-napping is also afoot.

The Dunedain occupy themselves. But not by looking for Aragorn, oh no.

Charo decides to woo Gorlim's dog, Mandy. Mith decides Charo is food.

Gorlim does a lot. Eomer chatting, singing to Dred, Mandy gets wooed. It's a busy post all 'round.

Noro, who's back, gives Hani a manicure. Girl talk and stuff ensues.

Halbarad is stalked by Mandy and chats with Gorlim.

Merry, yes MERRY, tells us why he reappeared...only to disappear again. But he's got a good reason.

Charo is in love. And they called it puppy love...that would be so much better if it had been sung by Manilow >.>

Tarannon has seen The Movie. And he's not happy about this. This is not newsworthy. What is newsworthy, is that he re-adopts Noro AND calls her pumpkin in the process. Hah.

A cocooned Guppy, one of them green-elf-baby thingies, starts to move.

Silinde revels in Eluil's new form. Parfait makes it's new appearance known as well.

Melian I, who's also made a comeback, threatens to rid herself of boredom. Eomer seems only slightly worried.

Charo advises Hani of his captured status. It is determined that he doesn't really mind, which, given the puppet he's aligned himself with, is probably a good thing.

Gwindor shops. And aNgStS.

Halbarad and Luthien discover puppies. Anyone else noticed there's a lot of furry things running around lately?

Firiel and Gorlim have a chat about fun things like being lonely. But there's also Erumas talk, so that's ok.

Hani celebrates Gram's six-month birthday. And seems less than worried about Charo's incarceration.

It's Erumas!!! And many, many people do the Erumas-gift giving thing: Dred, Charo, Arvedui, our new Legolas, Gorlim, Hanild, Halbarad, Frealaf, Menelsul, Gwindor, Vanthene, Luthien, Melian I, Jade, Ulalume and Norolinde, though she's a bit late.

Somewhere within all that Erumas spirit, this happens:

Isengar and Melba discuss Smeagol.

Sauron is more than a little miffed with the ending of The Movie. And really, who can blame him?

Eowyn makes sure we all know what really happened.

Theoden bakes cookies, turns ferret and gets ferret-napped by Vanthene. Merry Erumas, Theo.

You know, Bingo sums things up so much better than I ever could.

Halbarad explains the puppy situation to Nadiyah. And also reveals his plans to head North.

Isengar and Tiger have a good time.

Eomer points us in the direction of something some of us may or may not know about. Well, we do now.

Ancalagon serves up some hypocrite pie.

Sin gets a present from Jade and visits Merin. And, I imagine, puts said present to good use.

Eomer gives Luthy a special gift. Awwwwww.

Noro and Namuras discuss the twins. And then have sex, we think.

Merry is late with his gifts. But PIPPIN returns, so like, that makes up for it.

Vanthene has fun torturing small, furry animals. Of the kitten and ferret variety.

Hani walks in the snow. And misses home.

Eru makes a bit of a mistake. But he's Eru! So there are no mistakes! ...he now returns us to our regularly scheduled colours.

Arathorn laments the life of a puppet not on the "A" list.

Laiqalasse recounts Erumas with the troupe. Also, next play January 9. Mark your calendars, folks.

Eluil whines and wants to go shopping. Yep. Definitely Rumil's kid.

Theo is trapped. So he does what any ferret would: Sings and wishes for worms.

Jim is gay. And apparently frustrated, though how you can be gay and frustrated in THIS game is beyond me.

Vanthene gets friendly with Hani.

Isengar and Tiger: The Morning After.

Halbarad gathers his men and heads North.

Faramir III dreams. And has Ramen with Nienna. But that's not the dream, that really happens.

Vidumavi is a happy domestic.

Lokiel gets snuggled by Nieliqui.

Morwen is content.

Uruviel returns to be with Jade.

Jade gives birth. O.o No, wait. O.o Ah, much better.

Arwen is not updating. The Elronds don't make an appearance, either. *SQUEE*

Ully gets an accidental haircut.

Theo laments, is taunted by Vanthene and escapes.

Bingo makes a mandate.

Charo helps Hani find Theo.

;)

Nieliqui is determined to ring in the New Year. Just like a big girl.

Dred taunts us by mentioning secret logs. And makes some resolutions.

Mouth makes a suspicious discovery.

Jade is a happy mom.

New Year's greetings from a drunken werewolf.

Nieliqui doesn't quite make it. But it's all Gorlim's fault.

Isengar sings.

Noro tries the manicure route one more time. And gets saddled with a nervous elf for her trouble.

Gorlim's shortens it up for us. Also, mentions something about Dred's secret log and narrowly escapes insulting Hani.

THE SECRET LOGS: Dred and Gorlim have tea, discuss love and share a kiss, sword lessons and admissions of love and finally music lessons and more lovey-dovey stuff.

Norolinde declares herself a lesbian. Interested applicants, apply within.

Haldir heads Gondor-wards.

Dred loves Gorlim! Gorlim loves Dred! Theoden is horrified!

Seven takes Noro under her wing. This has angst written all over it.

Linithil, Luthy's little sister, has her own journal.

Legolas gets a puppy for Erumas.

Eomer is a little behind the times. He also notices a lack of...well, people.

Theo is Not Impressed.

Firiel once again has fun with a vampire. Injuries, blood, libraries. You know, basic Minas Tirith stuff.

Frey will torment Dred later.

There's been a LOT happening in the lab. Erendis, evil thing that she is, only skims the surface.

Aeglos heads to Rohan, where he feels he just might be useful. Hild agrees, and Wenny and Evie have a tearful reunion of sorts.

Meadhros is grumpy. Grumpy Noldor. Grumpy Feanorian Noldor. *runs*

Hani sits in the library.

Isengar and Tiger: The Morning After Continued.

Theoden is still Not Impressed. But is easily distracted.

The lj-cut in this really says it all.

Six narrowly escapes more punishment from Este.

Gorlim tells Eomer about him and Dred. Eomer is a tad surprised.

Arwen takes back Evie.

W00t.

Please send a donation.

Yours,
The Sockpuppets cub reporter.
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